


The Status Isn't Quo

by orphan_account



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Crack, M/M, Superheroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-18 09:29:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vaguely Dr. Horrible inspired. Charlie McDonnell works as a waiter, a barista, and a super villain assistant (wrangler). The last one’s for his friend Alex, and they’ve been pretty successful so everything is going well - until this new guy, Phil, comes to town that is. A rivalry is really the last thing Charlie wants to deal with, especially on top of his crush (which is probably big enough to be seen from space) and the fact that this bank job does not seem too well planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Status Isn't Quo

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://girl-in-stripes.livejournal.com/profile)[**girl_in_stripes**](http://girl-in-stripes.livejournal.com/) drew me [this super adorable picture.](http://twist204.livejournal.com/5135.html)  
>   
>  This was edited, brit-picked, and generally made eleventy times better by the ever amazing [](http://ficster28.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://ficster28.livejournal.com/)**ficster28**. ♥

Alex views his schemes as quite similar to jaywalking - not right, but not truly wrong either. At most, the things he does are morally ambiguous.

Even what he’s attempting now - which he honestly does know is technically stealing - is for the greater good of all. Well, mostly for the good of Charlie, but that’s Alex’s normal operating concern anyway. He steadies himself with a hand on the wall to minimize how much he has to bang around in the back of Ed’s beat up van. He’d much rather not be in the van at all, especially with Ed driving, but penguins need lots of space - it’s common knowledge. They also need cold, but he’ll tackle that issue back at the flat - it will probably be fine, they’ve got lots of fans. He thinks Charlie will really like having a penguin, which makes the effort worth it. Charlie’s been hinting that he’d like a cat, and a penguin is basically like a cat but more cute and fun. Any old person could have a cat, and Alex wants to give Charlie something better.

Alex resists the urge to whistle pseudo-casually as he jumps out of the van and walks towards the aquatics exhibits. He slips up to the service door while pulling on his identity concealing balaclava, which is a very nice shade of purple. There’s a weirdly large number of official looking people at the zoo today, he observes. Also, those appear to be news cameras. Why there’s news footage of the zoo at all, he has no idea. His very stylish disguise makes him almost certain he won’t be recognizable on film, but this is closer than he’s ever been before. It’s a frightening concept, and there’s a policewoman right there, so he’s going to pretend like he wasn’t just trying to pick a lock and leave now.

As he’s leaving he hears the anchorperson say, “London Zoo is stepping up security, with aid from the Metropolitan Police, in reaction to the recent lion theft. The perpetrator is still a mystery; if you have any information please call in.”  
It’s not a mystery to Alex, and his eyes narrow in an angry glare. “Phil,” he growls. Charlie deserves a penguin, and Alex’s newly decided-upon arch-nemesis has no right to infringe on that. Alex has already begun to plot his revenge, which he should probably ask Charlie for help with. If he had asked him about today Alex would have known about all this stuff in advance, but he wanted their new penguin to be a surprise.

Charlie enjoys working at the cafe in the morning; the casual atmosphere is conducive to waking up. In contrast, waiting tables at the restaurant while half asleep is quite possibly more stressful than performing brain surgery. The head waiter has taken a particular dislike to Charlie, mostly because he’s the only non-Italian staff member, and tends to scream like a drill sergeant. Charlie can deal with it much better when fully conscious. This week is shaping up wonderfully schedule-wise. He’s got all night shifts at the restaurant, where classy men leave him large tips to impress their dates, or sometimes to impress him if they’re not happy with the date they’ve got. In the mornings he’s working in the tiny cafe, where he serves coffee to people who are too tired to make conversation, and watches the news in the frequent customer free intervals.

Now, for example, only people in the cafe are himself and a man reading the paper. He boosts himself to sit on the counter - which he’s not really supposed to do but there’s no one there to tell on him - so he can see the television that hangs behind it. The news reporter is talking about the zoo robbery again, apparently there’s been another attempt by a potential second thief. He’s about to change the channel, because he’s really quite bored of hearing about it, when the picture shifts and catches his interest. What complete and utter crazy person, Charlie wonders, attempts to rob the London Zoo, during high security, whilst wearing a purple balaclava? The camera turns slightly, showing the outline of the perpetrator more clearly and he’s able to answer his own question. His crazy person does that, apparently.

 

Charlie is cooking dinner when Alex gets home that night. He's standing over the stove in their cramped kitchen with a spatula in one hand to stir the vegetables and a book held up in the other. His cheeks have flushed pink with the combined heat of the stove and the setting sun streaming through the window. Alex leans against the door frame, considering.

A moment later he crosses the threshold into the kitchen and says, "Honey, I'm home.” All at once he sounds brash, sarcastic, and fond. He presses a kiss to Charlie's pink cheek, a touch too flamboyant to be real. "D’you have an okay day, or did someone try to tip you with their number again?"

Charlie hums vaguely in response, setting his book on the counter so he can grab spices to add to his stir fry. "This'll be done really soon. Can we talk about your plans for the thing next week while we eat?"

It’s a decisive move on his part, Charlie feels. He’s never asked to be involved with Alex’s stuff because it seems to take quite a bit of panache to be a criminal, something he himself does not possess. He usually waits for Alex to come to him with his plans and questions. But honestly, he has got a bit of common sense and what happened today went too far. A bit of planning should go into this sort of thing, he feels, such as looking into whether or not the location you’re burglarizing has press coverage.

Alex runs a hand across Charlie's lower back as he crosses the kitchen on the way to his bedroom. After fetching a roll of architectural paper from under his bed, he brings it into the living room and spreads it out over their coffee table. He weights the corners with books from the ever-changing stack perpetually kept on the ottoman, then settles into the corner of the adjacent couch. "We can eat in here, yeah?" he calls in the direction of the kitchen.

“Yeah, sure,” Charlie responds. He comes into the room, two plates resting on one arm and two cups in the other hand. Alex takes his serving, and gestures for Charlie to sit on the other part of the couch. He does, mirroring Alex’s position by pulling his legs up next to him on the couch. Their feet tangle comfortably in the middle. Together, they stare in quiet contemplation at the blueprints in front of them.

"So, Alex," Charlie says, breaking the comfortable silence. Alex makes a noise of acknowledgement. "I see that you haven’t accounted for it in your plan, so I’d just like to point out that there are security cameras on the roof of that jewelry store."  
"Right," Alex says, "Should have thought of that. I knew you'd have useful ideas, love."

 

Alex’s first experience with criminal activity happened when he was twelve or thirteen-ish. His mates at school shoplifted, and he’d practiced with them but never tried it. One day he was walking to the Tesco down the street when this self-important man in a suit bumped into him and just kept walking. Alex turned to object - he always was a mouthy kid - and gasped as the man kicked a kitten that was in his way.

While Alex gaped after him in disbelief, he just happened to notice that the corner of the man’s leather wallet was poking out of his pocket. Alex was acting on instinct when he darted forward, pinched it between his fingers, and walked away briskly. His heart was racing, and not just because he sprinted as soon as he turned the corner. But strangely, he didn’t feel a bit of guilt. The wallet was stuffed to the brim with cards, which he cut into bits and threw away immediately, and cash. He kept a few tenners for a rainy day and put the rest in the animal shelter collection box at school. The man would have spent the money on silly things, not cute little animals that really needed it. He brought his best mate Tom with him to the shelter the next week. As he was looking at all the puppies and kittens and lizards, Alex thought I helped them. His chest felt warm and fuzzy, he was so proud.

After that, he just never really stopped. He pays himself a reasonable salary, and the rest mainly goes to charitable organizations. Sometimes he buys Charlie presents or uses his funds and skills to play jokes. He once broke into a shopping center and switched the inventory of all the stores, and once covered the entirety of the interior of a corporate office in glitter.

At first he thought that Charlie, his roommate and bestie, didn’t know about what he did. However, he’s the least careful person ever. His disguises are truly terrible, and he leaves gadgets and bits of costume everywhere. It wasn't hard for Charlie to put all the clues together, but he didn’t let Alex know right away when he got it. One day, Alex was leaving with some vague excuse and Charlie yelled “Your goggles are in the fridge, and please don’t forget that you’ve ripped your lab coat sleeve.”

 

Charlie went to uni mostly, Alex suspects, because he was supposed to. Unfortunately, no one seemed to have told him what he was meant to do after that. They got a nice little flat together that Charlie currently works two part time jobs to keep - waiting tables at a cafe and a posh Italian restaurant. He would talk to Alex late at night about how he needed to be passionate about something, and he had clearly been trying to make that thing his jobs. "Might as well," he'd say. "It's not like I have any ideas of my own." In his time off he became a prolific, if not extraordinarily talented, cook. He wasn't bored, but he wasn't exactly fulfilled, either. Then Charlie had uncovered exactly what Alex’s job was and, after some discussion in which Charlie expressed concern for his safety, Alex decided including him would be the way to go. Less worry for Charlie, more time with Charlie for Alex.

Once Alex started bouncing ideas off him, and even bringing him along, Charlie got really enthusiastic about planning the minutiae that Alex always used to overlook. He makes sure that the uniforms Alex rents are from the right bank, that the getaway car has petrol in the tank, and that they actually know how to get to the museum they’re intending to rob. Alex is amazed at the change in him - he’s always been wonderful but now he’s just beyond.

The thing is that when Alex started to bring Charlie along to plan his exploits, his success rate went up almost exactly thirty-four percent. The idea to start his blog came from Charlie’s as well, and the community he’s found is really amazing. It seems that Charlie has always had the potential to become some sort of logistic criminal mastermind. Alex has never been more grateful for this than when it comes to defeating his new arch-nemesis.

 

“Harrods, Charlie, his name was on a wall in Harrods. Oh my god,” Alex says, collapsing back onto the couch and throwing his forearm over his eyes. “There’s no way I can beat that, it’s ridiculous. Think of how many tourists saw it. The train seemed pretty good, for visibility alone, but then he goes and writes stupid AmazingPhil all over Harrods. I mean, it’s not even a good name. What can I even do after that?”

“Well, I mean, are you going with the landmarks theme now? Because there’s Big Ben - and that wouldn’t even be all that difficult. There’s got to be maintenance access, so it’s just a matter of getting a uniform and causing some sort of a commotion until you’re high enough up that you look like an actual worker.” Charlie says.

He’s mostly talking to himself by the end, because Alex has already sat up, pulling his feet off Charlie’s lap, so that he can embrace the other boy. “Brilliant Charlie, that’s so good.” They sit for a moment and as Alex’s exuberance wanes he leans his head in to rest against Charlie’s. “Thank you,” Alex says, and when he pulls back Charlie is flushed and smiling.

 

“Aha! Nerimon. I knew it was you when - well when I saw you were planning this on your blog. Still, Big Ben? Besmirching a national landmark, that’s despicable.” Phil says, stepping out of the shadows and walking towards Alex.

“Phil! First of all, you did the exact same thing, with the landmark, didn’t you. You’re just jealous I’ve got a better one. Second, stop trying to foil me,” Alex says dropping a coil of rope at his feet. “It’s just not sporting.”

“I’m not here to foil you,” Phil says, coming up to him and leaning against the wall, mock casual. “Just to watch, and maybe laugh if you fail.”

Alex scowls while he weaves the end of the rope through his harness. “Fine,” he spits out. “Just stay out of my way.”

He knots the other end of the rope tightly a pillar and tugs to check it. Grabbing his spray paint, he hops over the wall and rappels down the clock face.

 

Dan shows Phil the picture in the paper the next morning, of ‘Nerimon’ in neat silver lettering stretching across Big Ben. “This is where you were last night right, Phil?” Phil nods, looking down at his breakfast. “Just admit you were concerned and I swear I’ll never bring it up again.”

“Well, I kind of like having an enemy, it’s been fun. And I knew Charlie was getting the police to look for his sister as a distraction, so he wouldn’t be there. I thought it likely that Alex might have brought faulty rope, or the wrong kind of harness or something. He’s not very smart, you know.” Phil explains.

“Awww, that’s sweet,” Dan says. “Should I be jealous?”

“Course not. Shut up and pass me the juice.”

 

“Dan,” Phil calls. “Dan, Alex hacked my blog. Come fix it?”

 

“Charlie,” Alex says, voice shrill. “He’s on ITV. Charlie, how did stupid AmazingPhil get on ITV, for god’s sake?”  
“I think he just bought ad time, Alex,” Charlie says, from the kitchen.

 

A month after the zoo incident, Alex decides to pay Tom a visit. It takes nearly four minutes from the time Alex knocks until Tom opens the door about halfway and peers through at him. There’s smudges of something black - oil would be the most reasonable assumption, but Alex wouldn’t bet on it - across Tom’s cheekbone, through his eyebrow, and on the thigh of his jeans where he’d wiped it off his fingers. He gazes at Alex blankly for several seconds, then turns back into the house and bellows for Ed. Without waiting to see if the other boy is responding to his summons, Tom opens the door all the way and wanders back down the stairs to the basement. Alex steps across the threshold, closes the door, and waits for Ed to come down. He’s used to the way things work around here.

Ed ambles down the stairs a moment later and closes the basement door after Tom just before their cat slips through it. He scoops the cat up in his arms and jerks his head towards the living room. After Ed sets the cat down and dumps assorted papers off the couch, they sit down.

“So, Alex,” Ed begins. “What can we do for you today?”

Superior technology, Alex feels, is key to crushing Phil in this rivalry. This is the best place to get it: from Tom. Since they were nine or ten Tom has been a constant in his life. A singed and smoky constant whose pockets are perpetually full of odd metal bits. More recently, Ed has been around a lot, too. A few years ago Tom had shown up at Alex’s house with Ed in tow, and since then he’s rarely seen them apart. Alex is beyond happy that Tom has Ed - he needs someone to make sure he wears shoes when he leaves the house and to keep non-experimental food in the fridge. Additionally, Tom and Ed are a dynamic gadget-designing duo. When Tom makes ray guns they make the ideal viscous noises - he’s been working on that for ages. Ed mostly makes sure they won’t explode when fired.

“So there’s this guy -” Alex starts.

“It’s Charlie, isn’t it,” Ed interrupts him, smirking and leaning in towards Alex conspiratorially.

“No! I mean, there’s this guy who’s been making it really hard for me to finish my jobs. I’ve decided we’re rivals, and Tom’s been telling me about this big project. So, I was wondering if there’s anyway you could give it to me,” Alex says, trailing off and leaving Ed to contemplate his request.

“I suppose we could,” Ed says, mock magnanimous. “It’s technically ready, but I think Tom is still playing with the beam color - being really picky about getting the right shade of indigo. I’ll convince him, though, don’t worry. Give me, like, twenty minutes.”

“Great! Yeah, Ed, thanks so much. Charlie will want to see it too, so we can meet at the cafe when he’s on break. In half an hour or so, yeah? He said I should pick up milk first. See you there,” Alex says quickly, a mix of excitement, relief, and not wanting Ed to change his mind.

 

Alex does pick up the milk at Tesco, along with a chocolate bar and orange for Charlie’s lunch. He heads to the cafe and goes in the back way, finding Charlie in the little kitchen as expected. He’s turned away from Alex, pulling a tray of scones out of the oven. Alex waits until he’s set them down, then pokes him swiftly in the side. Alex knows Charlie’s ticklish spots well, knows to dig just above his hips to get that undignified squeaky noise he just made.

Charlie twirls rapidly, “Alex! Stop doing that,” he says, exasperated. Alex cackles, and mentally congratulates himself on how maniacal it sounds. “Hey, that was quite evil,” Charlie says, “Does that mean you can stop practicing in the shower? “

“Not until it’s consistent levels of maniacal, Charlie, I’ve told you that. Now, Tom and Ed will be here in between ten and forty minutes, you know them. They’re going to bring us new ray guns. We will crush Phil, metaphorically of course - or maybe just a little bit literally,” Alex says, hopping up on the counter.

“Fixation is unhealthy, Alex,” Charlie reminds, long suffering. “Get off the counter, unsanitary.”

He swats at Alex with an oven mitt until he moves to the stool in the corner, kept there mainly for him. Alex begins a rant about Phil while Charlie rolls out dough for cookies. It’s not uncommon for Alex to come keep Charlie company at work. The owner lady likes Charlie, says he’s a ‘nice young boy’ and tries to set him up with her niece, and by extension tolerates Alex. As for Alex, he keeps odd hours and Charlie will always be more entertaining than what’s on tv at midday. They talk for twenty minutes or so about Phil before Charlie gets fed up and changes the subject to whether or not Alex could pull off a goatee. Ed texts Alex announcing the arrival of himself, Tom, and ‘the thing’. Alex bounds out of the kitchen and Charlie follows more sedately, stopping to lean over the counter and tell his co-worker he’s taking his break.

They weave between the tables in the cafe until they reach the one against the window where Ed and Tom have seated themselves. Tom has grabbed a napkin and is frantically sketching a diagram on it with a ballpoint pen, ignoring the muffin at his elbow.

“Hello,” Ed greets them as they take their seats. Tom hums in vague agreement.  
They take their seats and, as Charlie peels his orange, Ed pulls a generic black duffle out from under the table and unzips it.

“That looks like a super soaker,” Alex says, a bit disappointed at the lack of proper intimidation factor.

Tom’s head snaps up and he replies in a near gleeful tone, “But it’s not one.”

Alex grabs it and begins a thorough examination, picking up Tom’s glee as he pokes at the various buttons and knobs.

“No, Alex, for the love of god, don’t fire it in here,” Ed reprimands him.

“Tom, can we head down to that place - you know where I mean, where we tested the really loud thing in secondary school - and practice with it?” Alex asks enthusiastically.  
Tom nods rapidly, reaches over to tuck his napkin diagram into Ed’s shirt pocket, and gets up to leave with Alex. They walk close together so they can whisper back and forth, and Charlie is fairly certain he catches the word ‘implosion’. He decides to try and take his cues from Ed, who seems unconcerned.

“You on break for a while yet?” Ed asks Charlie, who nods absently while looking after Alex.

“They’ll be fine, probably,” Ed assures him. “Anyway, do you mind if I hang out for a bit? Tom will have taken the car.”

“Yeah, I’d like the company,” Charlie agrees.

“Alright. So, burning question, what’s up with Alex and this Phil character?” Ed asks.

“Oh god, it’s completely ridiculous. Alex insists they’re sworn enemies, so they keep trying to foil each other's schemes. I told you about the whole zoo thing last month, right?” He waits for Ed’s affirmative nod. “Okay, well they keep ambushing each other during jobs. Then they end up in screaming fights about who has the better name and whether visual motif is more important anyway - which is, of course, not ideal during a heist.”

“Oh God, that’s hilarious. What’s Phil calling himself, again?”

“The name on his blog is AmazingPhil - which is a bit unoriginal, but really, is it any better than Nerimon?”

Ed has been laughing almost since the beginning of their conversation, and by the time Charlie finishes he’s quietly hysterical.“But, seriously? He’s another guy who’s intense like Alex - and by intense I mean ridiculous.”

“Intensely ridiculous,” Charlie amends, offering Ed a section of his chocolate bar, “And yeah, completely so. Alex started teasing Phil about being bad at portmanteaus - his team name is one - and I thought Alex might be in danger of death, Phil was so angry.”

“Wait, team name? So, are we talking about a cabal of Alex-esque people, or what?” Ed asks.

“No, well, there’s just two of them - team Phan. This other guy, he’s called Dan, seems pretty normal. I think he does some of the planning and most of the reasoning because -”

“Ah, so he’s the Charlie of the operation,” Ed interrupts, leaning forward with his elbows on the table as he grows serious, “There’s your solution. Go talk to him, bet he’s much more open to discussion than Alex is. Also, if you don’t mind me saying, you might want to get on that before Alex implodes anything too important. Actually, I don’t know what they’re talking about that for, because that one is the time deal-y.”

“That - talking to him could actually work. Thanks Ed, I really had no idea what to do,” Charlie says, with a near tangible air of relief. “Now I’ve got to go, I’m back on shift. I can bring you tea if you want to hang out for a bit, though?” Ed nods, and he’s had quite a few cups by the time Tom returns in the van with Alex, both a little worse for the wear but with grins stretching from ear to ear. Luckily, Ed brought his laptop and is able to get a lot of work done on the preliminary sketch Tom left him with, so he’s not too mad about the delay.

 

It’s surprisingly easy for Charlie to arrange a meeting with Dan. He asks Alex, as casually as possible so as not to provoke a rant, how he would go about contacting him. It turns out Alex has both Dan and Phil’s numbers for ease in bothering them. After a few quick texts, Dan agrees to come meet Charlie while he’s on break.

“Thanks for meeting me here, despite the animosity between us,” Charlie greets Dan when he reaches the counter of the coffee shop.

“Yeah, no problem. Love the scones,” Dan answers. He hops up on a stool and orders one from the girl working behind the counter.

“So, was Phil trying to make it hard for Alex to steal from the zoo? Because it seems like that’s where this whole thing started,” Charlie says, straight to the point.

“No, I mean yes. Well, kind of? Phil has always wanted a lion, but he picked the date based on Alex, saw it in one of his videos. He’s also always wanted an arch-nemesis.” Dan says, distracted by arranging his scone, cream, and jam properly in the small section of counter space allotted to him.

“Yeah, I get what you mean. It’s not that Alex isn’t enjoying their rivalry, but one of them is going to hurt someone. Probably himself.” Charlie says. His tone has gone softer, more casual. Although he’d come into it intending to confront Dan, the other boy is surprisingly amiable.

“No, I definitely agree. I’ve been meaning to do something about it but, you know, busy.” Dan says, “But let’s collaborate, get them to stop screaming at each other. I really think that if they got along they would get in less trouble.”

“That’s what I was thinking, they’ll make better friends than enemies.” Charlie says, pulling out the pad and pen he uses to take orders and titling the page ‘Alex and Phil: Friends’.

Dan laughs quietly at him. “Wow, you’re really organised. Your boyfriend must love that for planning - bet you’re a clean freak though,” he says in a teasing tone.

“I’m not that bad, or at least, I’m getting better,” Charlie says quickly. “Wait, my - did you say my boyfriend?”

“You and Alex are dating, right?” Dan says, turning on his stool to focus intently on Charlie. “I mean, I’ve really never really known anyone who did our sort of thing and wasn’t.”

“No, we’re not dating, never have,” Charlie says.

“But you want to, right. Come on, Charlie, tell the whole truth,” Dan says.

Charlie sighs, and says in a low voice, “Alright, well, I wouldn’t really mind. I know Alex wouldn’t want -”

“No,” Dan interrupts, in a decisive tone, “That’s why I was saying, it’s a hazard of the industry. There’s so much trust, you’ve really got to rely on someone. You couldn’t come out of it without at least being open to a little more.”

“So, you and Phil?” Charlie says, changing the subject a little defensively.

A slow smile spreads over Dan’s face and he ducks his head, more withdrawn than he has been so far. “Yeah. We have been - but only for a while. Only after we started planning things collaboratively. That’s exactly my point, though. I still don’t know if we’d be anything more than friends if there wasn’t such faith in each other.”

“Alex did it before me, and he’ll do it after.” Charlie says vehemently. “I just organise, file, navigate, whatever. We don’t, it couldn’t really be called collaboration.”

“Charlie, even villains need companionship. And I admit that it’s from someone who hasn’t seen a lot, but I really don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. Like, how many times over would Alex be in jail without you?” Dan says, softly.

"Alex is… He's more of an entity than most people. It's intimidating, the idea of trying to match up to that, and maybe not a risk that's worth it. He's sort of integral to me - without him, I'd just be a boring person with a boring job and a seriously boring life otherwise. That's why I can't risk making a move or whatever - I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. I'll take what I know for sure I can have, even if it's not everything I'd want." Charlie explains, his tightly controlled voice betraying more emotion than it hides. He draws in a sharp breath and taps his pen on the pad. “Anyway, let’s make a plan.”

Both being meticulous and practiced planners, it takes them barely half an hour to come up with a concise and well-put-together course of action, with a not-half-bad backup option.

 

“And it kind of sucks a lot, because they’d be totally perfect together - hell, they’re basically already dating, they just won’t admit it. Charlie’s never going to do anything, though, and I don’t think Alex has even noticed. Seriously, though, did you know that Alex brings Charlie lunch, but Charlie cooks him dinner? And that when Alex has a really difficult thing go right he buys Charlie presents? That’s what the penguin was for, ages ago, for the Times Square thing they did with the Green brothers. Are you even listening to me, Philip?” Dan says, across the breakfast table.

Phil’s head snaps up from where it has been resting on his hand. “Well, Daniel, maybe you should do something about that then,” he says, then mutters under his breath, “I buy you presents, bought you - this cereal.”

“Oh my god, Phil, that’s it.”

“What’s it?”

“I’m going to do something about it - was just planning on talking them into telling each other about their feelings, but this is so much better.”

“Awesome. What’s so much better?”

“Charlie was telling me about this bank job thing, and they’re going to use this new time gun thing-y. When Charlie brings it over Tuesday, it won’t be a big deal to change the settings, bet Tom would even help. Come on, Phil, we’ve got work to do.”

 

“What is this charade, Charlie? And I thought I could trust you, what is he doing here?” Alex asks, as soon as he comes through the door and sees Phil sitting on the sofa.

“Right, well, Dan and I have to go over there and - not be here anymore. See you in a bit,” Charlie says, tugging Dan out of the room by the elbow.

Alex stares warily at Phil on the couch from where he’s standing by the door. Phil stares back for a minute, then grabs the television remote from the coffee table. “You can sit down if you want. I mean, don’t just stand there all creepy,” Phil says. “Don’t care what they’re planning, I’ll watch Buffy without Dan.”

Alex sits down on the couch tentatively, as far away from Phil as he can possibly be. “This is such a good episode,” he says, without really meaning to, a few minutes in.

“I know, right? Dan never wants to watch this one - or Buffy at all, really. He says I’ve overexposed him,” Phil says, turning on the couch to look at Alex. He pauses, then makes himself frown and turn back to face the television.

“It’s sort of the same with Charlie, I guess,” Alex says, not quite friendly. “Or, I guess, we just prefer to watch Doctor Who together - it’s sort of a thing we do.”

“Oh, Charlie. Dan was telling me about him, a little bit. Is he dating anyone?” Phil asks, in a teasing tone.

“No, no he isn’t,” Alex says. He picks a book up off the coffee table and opens it on his lap, movements harsh. Dan was talking about Charlie and now they’re in a room together, with the door closed, and Alex just doesn’t really need to think about that.

“Okay, fine. So, your opinion on Once More, With Feeling?” Phil says, a moment later.

“Epically awesome, of course. We’re watching that one next.”

 

So Alex might have made up an answer when Charlie asked him which vault the combination was for. Possibly, but it was like a month ago and he wanted Charlie to stop worrying and watch Doctor Who with him. There might not have even been a “fourth vault on the left”. But there was, and they’d gotten in through the slightly open door, and now they have no way to get out because Tom’s stupid time stopping gun was supposed to last longer. They were lucky they hadn’t been seen, but not that lucky because the guard still closed the door, which you need the combination to open. Also, the vault is kind of small and creepy and spidery - really not a tourist destination. Charlie is pacing vaguely around the small space, avoiding Alex, with his phone up to his ear.

“Hello Dan, it’s Charlie. Um, Charlie McDonnell, that is. So, I’m not sure what you and Phil are up to, and hopefully I’m not interrupting anything. Basically, me and Alex have gotten ourselves locked in a vault in the Barclays on Bow Road. If it’s not too much trouble, we’d love some help getting out. It’s, erm, the fourth vault on the left, I think. Alex is getting really mad at me for asking, so I’m gonna hang up now. So yeah, hope I’m not bothering you. Just let me know, I suppose. Bye.”

“You didn’t have to call them, we can get out,” Alex says.

Although he’s inwardly skeptical, Charlie’s voice is placid. “I know, but it’s a good idea to be sure. Take any help we can get, it’s gross in here.” Charlie shucks his cardigan and lays it out on the floor. He sits down on it sedately, with his legs crossed and back against the wall. This makes Alex, almost impossibly, more frustrated. How can Charlie settle in, like Alex isn’t going to get them out momentarily? He paces like a caged tiger, stopping to fiddle with the combination lock on the door or the lock boxes on the shelves. They can’t even open the things to get money out of this whole ordeal.

“Come sit down Alex, please? There’s no use getting so worked up,” Charlie says. Alex does, settling down at Charlie’s side, because he finds it very hard to resist Charlie anything.

 

As much as it seems like they should be waiting in suspense to be rescued, boredom sets in fairly quickly. “Is it a Bulbasaur?”

“Yes, and you only used fourteen questions. Good job”

“This game gets less fun when every answer is a pokemon, Alex,” Charlie says fondly.

They’ve changed positions so that Alex is sprawled over the floor, head on Charlie’s thigh. When he wants to say something he has to tilt his head back dramatically to look at Charlie. They spend a moment in silence and then Alex starts laughing, head shaking against Charlie’s leg.

“It’s kind of funny, in a way,” Alex says, between chuckles. “ That we’re here, and stuck, and everything’s so wrong. God, it’s ridiculous how far downhill it’s gone. Don’t you think?”

Charlie takes a breath, even in and out. “No, Alex. No, I don’t really think that. This isn’t funny, it’s not really a humorous situation. We’re trapped, if you hadn’t noticed, and we don’t know how we’re going to get out, and when we do the whole building might be surrounded by police, waiting for us. Have you thought about that, Alex?” His tone is unusually biting, for Charlie, but Alex is still entangled in him and Charlie’s making no move to pull away.

“Okay, fine - not funny, just kind of odd. Wouldn’t have predicted it when I got up this morning,” Alex amends in a casual tone.

Charlie nods, “I know, okay, I know that these things somehow aren’t a big deal for you. Just, I like to be able to predict where things are going, and this was not on my time coordinated schedule.”

“Okay, changing the subject,” Alex says quickly, “Tell me a secret, Charlie McDonnell. If you have any left, that is.”

Charlie would swear up and down that in a less high pressure situation he would have had better control of himself. He would’ve deflected the command with an offhand comment, but instead he blushes and stays absolutely, tellingly, silent.

“You do have one? Shocker. Well, tell me then. Can’t be any kind of successful team if we’re being all secretive,” Alex says. He’s moved to be able to take Charlie in completely, so they’re sitting against opposite walls of the small vault.

“It’s going to say so daft when I say it out loud,” Charlie admits, ineffectually ducking his head in an attempt to hide his blush. It’s inevitable that it’s going to come out, which is a morbid almost-pun, because there’s really no way for him to go away and he’s completely awful at lying to Alex.

“That’s because it probably is daft,” Alex says, harsh words belied by his gentle tone.

Charlie has curled in on himself and when he speaks it’s directed to the wall to the left of Alex’s head. “I kind of love you, okay?”

Alex gapes inelegantly at him, shocked into silence for once in his life. It sinks in gradually and he smiles, slow and warm. “Love you too, Charlie, lots.” He knocks his stretches out his legs to knock his foot gently into Charlie’s, affectionately. “Why’re we just doing this now, then - why were you keeping it such a secret?”

“I just love you so much, it’s pretty much unfathomable how much I do. And it seems impossible that you could ever love me back even half as much,” Charlie tucks his chin into his knees and hurries to add, “That’s okay though, I don’t expect you to. You can love me exactly as much as you want to. The disparity is a little daunting though.”

“You absolutely silly boy. I want to love you the maximum amount available to a person, and I do. I really truly do love you so ridiculously much. Please know that,” Alex is characteristically a little over the top, but he scooches right up close to Charlie, waits for him to uncurl, and puts a gentle finger under his chin to tilt his face up. Their eyes meet, and it’s such a terrible sappy romance novel moment that Charlie really can’t help but close that last half inch to kiss Alex. He’s met with enthusiasm, and Alex pulls his feet up under him, giving him the height he needs to control the kiss.

 

“Dan, is this why we had to wait so long before we came to get them, because that’s-

“Shh, Phil. Don’t interrupt. Just leave the door open so they can get out, and go deal with the security camera on that end of the hallway.”


End file.
